Being a Man in Your Marriage

Sometimes you get a little amped up when you preach. Yeah, I've been known to represent a Gallagher concert where people put bags over the front row because spit gets all over them.

Yeah, sometimes I get a little amped up and I've been known to actually jump off the stage, especially when I'm talking about being a man. Have you ever listened to yourself preach? No. And you convict yourself? Yes. Really? I do not like listening to myself preach.

I just don't want to do it, but I know there's times I get so amped up, I am convicted. Well then, buckle up, because I think that might happen today. Welcome to Family Life Today, where we want to help you pursue the relationships that matter most. I'm Ann Wilson. And I'm Dave Wilson, and you can find us at familylifetoday.com or on our Family Life app. This is Family Life Today. All right, I preach about a lot of things in 30 years, but the topic I could preach on every day is boys becoming men, men becoming godly men.

It is your passion for sure. Yeah, and we get to listen today to a message I gave in 2015, and I am a little scared because I remember getting pretty fired up. Yeah, you were in it as we listened previously to the first part of this message. Yeah, in which we listened to a vertical man. In other words, I define that as a man who finds his life vertically in Christ, a vertical husband who finds his life, what's he look like?

What's he do? And my first point was he's sexy, and it was a play on words, because it's like, what do you mean he's sexy? Well, you have told me for decades that the sexiest thing I ever do is walk with God. It makes you want to follow me. It's romantic, right?

It's so attractive when a man walks with God. We can trust you. We want to follow you. We can depend on you. We know that you'll serve our family.

Yeah. And so, that was the first part of the message. And then it was fun for me because the second part we're going to hear today is a vertical man is sensitive to his wife's needs. And the question for most of us men is, what are her needs?

And so, I'm like, why would I tell men what a woman's need is? You're there. Come on stage. So, I'm excited for our listeners today. They get to hear Ann Wilson come up and say, this is what a woman really wants.

And I would add this too. Men, every woman is different. And so, you need to become an expert of what meets your wife's needs. When I think about a man being a vertical man and being a sexy...

In fact, if you wrote down sexy guys, write this down, cross that out or put beside it slash, put this one, submitted. Submitted to the authority of God and His word. That's what a vertical really means. That's what your woman's longs for. She longs that you would submit to the authority of God and the authority of His word.

See, guys, we are really good at this submit word for women. You hear somebody tell your wife to submit to God and to you and you're like, yeah, man, yeah, you hear that? I mean, guys, even in this church, probably know one verse in the Bible and know nothing else. You know, there's that verse in the Bible, you don't know where it is or who wrote it, but it says, wives are supposed to submit to you, that's the one you know.

Well, guess what? The rest of the Bible says, men submit vertically to me first and live under the authority of my word. Yeah, but I don't know if I agree with everything in His word, it doesn't matter. Do you agree with the one who wrote it? Then you submit to it, whether it's comfortable or not. Whether it makes you feel good or not, there's a lot in the word that makes us feel good, there's a lot in the word that's like, really, I can't do that?

No, why not? Because He's protecting you and everybody else in society for something greater. And so we started last week, we said vertical marriage and vertical husband and even vertical wife and then vertical mission as we finish this thing is all about this amazing passage in the Old Testament. It has nothing to do with marriage or men or women, it has to do with idols.

Jeremiah the prophet spoke the words of God to the people of God, the nation of Israel, and he said this, I'll review it, this is what it means to go vertical. Has the nation ever changed its gods? Yet they are not gods at all.

So what are they doing? They're worshiping false gods. He says, but my people, God is saying this to nation of Israel, my people have exchanged their glorious God for worthless idols. Be appalled at this you heavens and shudder with great horror. He can't believe this declares the Lord. My people have committed two sins.

They have forsaken me the spring of living water and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water. He's not talking to heathen or pagan or unchurched people. He's talking to the church people. He says, no, wait, I can't believe this.

I'm appalled. They know me. They know my character. They've seen miracle after miracle. They've seen literally the glory of God.

And those people committed two sins. Number one, they have forsaken and abandoned me. They've turned their back on the source of their life, living water that will flow through them so much that they'll overflow into others.

They forsaken that. They pick up the shovel and they said, I will find life somewhere. I'm going to find it in my marriage. I'm going to find it in my job.

I'm going to find it in a woman or in a man. It's like, don't you get it? It's a broken cistern. It'll never work. See guys, we've done that. And I'm telling you today, I'm calling you today, become a submitted vertical man, husband.

You hear me guys? Today's your day. The legacy of your family depends on it. The legacy of this church depends on it. The legacy of this community depends on men stepping up.

You know, it's really interesting. Let me just show you how this will affect your family. Do you know what the divorce rate is in the church compared to the divorce rate in the world or outside the church?

Anybody know? Most people say it's the same. 50%, 60% world, 50, 60% church.

Wrong. Recent statistics say that's never been the case. The survey's done and Shanti Feldhahn wrote a book. We did a series on it last year, Surprising Secrets of Happily Highly Marriages. She went to Barna and dug into the research, said, where did this come from?

He goes, I don't know, but it's been talked about for years and it's not even true. The survey said, they surveyed people that don't just go to church. They said, we'll find when you're active in your church, in your faith, what's the divorce rate? So they asked, do you go to church regularly? And I just show up every once in a while. Do you go to church regularly?

Men, you know what that means? You get your family up and you get them here and you go to a small group. See, it's one thing to go to church, but nothing really happens just at church.

You got to get a smaller connection. We talk about it all the time here, get in a small group. So they said, are you regularly in a small group? Yes. Are you giving a tithe, 10% or above? That means, man, they're serious. You start giving 10% or above, you're in, in a lot of ways, right? So they surveyed that and they said, what's the divorce rate among them? Guess what it is?

23%, almost 30% lower than the national average. You think being a vertical man submitted to God and His word is not going to have an effect on your family? It is going to change absolutely everything. So vertical man is sexy. A vertical man is submitted to God.

Here's the second one. A vertical husband or man is sensitive to the needs of his wife, his daughters, his sons. He is sensitive to the needs that God has called him to lead and care for. You know, in Ephesians five, I've read this many times to men here.

Paul speaks to men about being husbands. He says, you want to be a vertical man? Here's what a vertical man does. Here's what a vertical husband does just in the area of marriage. He says this, husbands, I love this in the message because it's very descriptive, husbands go all out in your love for your wife.

Now, let me stop right there. Guys, we know about going all out. We talk about it in sports. We talk about it in sports. We talk about it in business.

What would it look like? Take that energy and put it toward your family and toward your wife. Go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church. A love marked by giving, not getting. Remember I said boys take, men give. He's saying it right here. And by the way, he's going to use Christ in the church as an image of saying what Christ does for the church and how it affects the church is what a husband should do for his wife and affect the wife in the same way. He says, not giving, not getting.

Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring out the best out of her.

Let me ask you guys something. Is your wife better because she married you? Should be. She should be blooming as a woman because of the man that you are and the way you are sensitive to her needs. He says, and that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor. Since they're already one in marriage, no one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That's how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body and this is why a man leaves his father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become one flesh. By the way, a boy stays home, a man leaves and becomes a man and cherishes his wife, pampers his wife, doesn't abuse.

By the way, footnote, I always have to say this when we talk about this topic. If you are a woman in an abusive relationship with a man who is hurting you, get out and get out now. I'm not saying divorce. I'm saying get safe and you need to tell somebody.

God is not saying you gotta stay and get beat. He's saying get safe and then let's work on this thing. So let's talk now. Let's talk about what does a woman really need? How can a man be sensitive to a woman's needs?

And I thought, what do I know? I'm a guy. Hence, I said, honey, you gotta come up here for a couple of minutes and talk to the men about what a woman needs. So all the women are clapping. Maybe the guys are too. And by the way, you look really hot.

I just think you're awesome. So here's what I say is Anne's gonna talk. She's gonna take a couple minutes to talk to the men really about what a woman needs. And this isn't every woman, but this is generally true. Guys, let me first of all say I feel a little bit sorry for you because we are very complicated as women and every woman is so different and all of our needs are different. So you need to be an expert at what makes your wife feel loved. And I'm gonna tell you this too.

It changes all the time. Because when we- Like every five minutes. When we first got married, I was like, I would tell Dave, why can't you be more romantic? But then when we had kids, it's like, who cares about romance?

Just help me around the house and help me with the kids. So I think you really need to be an expert at your woman. But one of the things we need as women, honestly, is affection. And do you guys think, what does that even mean? We have no idea.

Do we? She says affection. I'm like, sex?

That sounds like affection to me. But that's not it at all, right? No, that's not it. No. Here's what it is, guys.

Let me say this. Do you know the way you were when you dated us? You noticed us. You paid attention to us. You asked us questions and talked to us. You held our hands. You looked us in the eye.

We still long for that very same thing. And we as women want you still to notice us. We want you to regard us. And so that's why I say affection for me. It is when Dave holds my hand, when I feel like he says, how are you doing?

What's going on? When he's affectionate with me. When he says, hey, you want to hang out with me? We want you to want to be with us.

Honestly, and you might not feel like it, but I would say as an act of your will, just do it. Because that is a godly man that is vertical, and that communicates so much to us. I would even add this. I've heard Anne say this to me many times, pursue. Guys, write it down.

I'm not kidding. Put it in your notes, whatever. Pursue. It's like, you pursued me with a passion when we're dating, and now you get married. It's like you're pursuing your job and other things.

That's good. There's nothing wrong with that. But it's like, what happened to this?

And just pursuing and being romantic, and like you said, touching. Because you guys do pursue things. I'm watching Dave. He knows what's happening in the football world. He's doing fantasy football this year, where he's spinning. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, oh, my team. Just a little bit.

But honestly, he knows who's injured, who's playing, what's happening. I broke my leg today. Did you notice?

Can you play? But yeah, she is right. Do we do that? Women, don't hit them. Don't do it.

Don't do it. We do that. And so it's really interesting.

We'll do this really quick. But we read a book early in our marriage called His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley, a counselor in Minnesota. He said, I've counseled thousands of couples, and here's what I've learned. Here are the top five needs of a man. Here are the top five needs of a woman. And so he had a chapter in each one, and he basically said, if you don't know, guys, listen, if you don't know what her needs are, and you're not meeting them, guess what? The subtitle of the book is How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. If you're not meeting those needs, and some dude comes along and does, she's polled. Doesn't mean there's a affair going to happen, but she's drawn out. I mean, if you're driving in your car and the tank's full, and you go by a gas station, do you even look?

Who cares? I'm full. I don't need a gas station.

But when you're empty, you're looking at every gas station. And that's what happens. Like, man, when I read this book, I went to Ann, literally went to her and said, okay, he says the top five are this, are they? And she goes, yep.

And that may not true for every woman, but I'm going to tell you guys, here's the top three. You ready? You better write this down. Don't be hitting him, but he better write this down. And then here's what you do. After the service, get in the car today, you go, honey, are these your needs? And she says, no, they're a little different. Say, what are they? It would promote a great discussion, because Ann said, those are pretty much me. And guys, if I were you, I'd say, what do you need from me? And women don't do more than two things, because if you keep going and going, they're done. So honestly, just you have two things, this would be really helpful.

All right, so here they are. Affection was number one, non-sexual touch, whatever that is, non-sexual touch. And again, it is, holding hands.

Yes. And Ann said, man, it just feels great when you put your hand on my knee and we're sitting at church, and just keep it right there. It's just like, that is just, you notice me, you're with me, we're together. That was number one, affection. Number two is conversation, talk. Not talk, talk. And so women want to talk. And then number three is honesty and openness, being vulnerable, being authentic, share your heart with your woman. And all three of those can happen really in the same conversation.

That's what I was going to say. We as women long to know you. We want to know your hearts. We want to know your passions.

We want to know what makes you tick. And sometimes you guys shut down on us and we're like, please let me in. I want to be a part of your life.

And the other is true. We want you to know us and the best way women bond, this is the way we bond, gentlemen, sorry, but it is through conversation. We bond through conversation. Face to face is one way to describe it. Women connect this way.

Men connect shoulder to shoulder. We like do things together. We don't like, you go play golf, you don't want to talk. Come on.

Do driver, great. That's it. Nice shot. Boom. You know, four hours.

What's going on in this marriage? Who cares? I mean, we play golf.

I shot a 70. I mean, it's awesome. But women can't even imagine doing it at most.

And again, it could be flipped in your home. In fact, in our home, I tend to be more wordy and share more details than Andy. Dave tells me all about his days. It's one of the greatest things that he does.

She absolutely loves it. Because I know what's going on in his world at work, in the meetings. He tells me everything and I'm not like that as much. But when it comes to our relationship, I'm all about that. Like, okay, you know, that's good what's happening at work.

How do you think we're doing? And suddenly it's like this haze comes over his face of dread and fear. It is. I'm like, oh no, we gotta go there. I'm not kidding. It's like I changed.

Because here's what I think. Maybe guys can relate to this. Maybe it's not true in your home. But in my home, it's like, okay, I know she thinks we're doing worse than I think we're doing. So now she wants to talk about that. And I'm like, I don't wanna go there.

I just like to live in fairytale land. We're all good. Remember last week here, you know, I said in that video, I think our marriage is a 9.8.

And she thought it was a 0.5. Well, that often we go on a date and we'll talk and she'll say, so let's talk about our relationship. And I just sort of shut down. Because he feels like he's in trouble. Yeah.

He feels like he's already failed and he will continue to fail and I'll never be happy. But this area is super important for us of just being able to talk about that. And here's what I've learned. 35 years, I've learned at least this, okay? Whatever she thinks is going on in a relationship, in other words, how she thinks we're doing, if she says it's a four and I think it's an eight, guess what?

Guys, you ready? She's right. Now, I don't mean that.

Say it again. Don't you be jumping around. She's right. I don't mean that your woman's always right. I'm not saying that I just give in and condescend and it doesn't matter what you think.

No, here's what I mean. And I've learned this. I really believe this is true. I can't prove it biblically, but I think it's true. God designed women, and it could be a little flipped in your relationship, but generally, God designed women to really know how to do relationships well.

It's like he made them a personal marriage manual. And so when she says we're a four and I think we're a seven, here's what I now know. She's right. We're not a seven, we're a four.

And here's what else I know. You ready for this? She knows how to get us from a four to a seven, and I don't. I'm like, what do you want me to do? Have more sex?

I mean, it's just like, no. She knows exactly what needs to happen in our relationship, so I need to lean in. Ben, you listening? I need to lean in and to be sensitive. You hear me?

A vertical man, a husband is sensitive. I need to lean in and say, okay, what is going on? What are you feeling? Why are you feeling that? What am I contributing to that?

What can I do? You understand? It changes everything because now, because I'm filled up with Jesus, vertical first, I don't need her to think I am now able to give out of my overflow of Jesus. If I don't have that, then I am hurt desperately by her number. It crushes me as a man. And not only would you be hurt.

But because I know my identity, I can give back. You would be hurt. And he also, one of our biggest fights, he's like, no, I am doing great. That was what we know, you said.

Yeah, I would tell her she's wrong. Yeah, that's not true. We're not a four. We're a nine.

We're a 12. That's what we are. And you're wrong, and I'm right. So that's a real good conversation. Now we're fighting. So I've learned to be sensitive to God, submitted to God, and then sensitive to your wife, your woman, your kids, or anybody is to lean in and learn and out of the overflow, give. You're listening to Family Life Today. And man, Dave Wilson, as you gave that message back in 2015, I'm inspired.

I'm excited. I think every woman is clapping right now. Like, yes, yes, this is what we want.

That's because you came on stage and told the men what women really, really long for. But I tell you what, at the end of that message, we got into something I think is so critical to understand. We call it vertical marriage, call it whatever you want. But most marriages, and ours was this way, we're trying to get from each other what we think the other is in our life for. Like, I want you to respect me and you want me to cherish you. And when that doesn't happen, we get disappointed. And we actually tend to think I married the wrong person because I'm not getting what I thought I'd get from my marriage. I know that I've done this for years, that I put my eyes on you hoping that you will meet all of my needs. And when you don't, I'm so disappointed. And when I have those thoughts now, that inkling when I start looking at you and I'm disappointed in your actions, or you haven't met my expectations, one of the things as I've gotten older that I've done is I go to God first and I'm saying, Lord, are you number one in my life? Or has my marriage or my husband become my idol?

And I think that's really big. Because when I'm surrendered, when I'm submitted to God, when I'm in communion with him, and he's my everything, my expectations of you aren't as high. And so that's one of the first steps I think we need to take as both men and women of surrendering our lives, our passions, our passions, our desires, and we submit them to God first. And I don't think, I know I never understood this, I think a lot of us just miss this, is when we go vertical, when we find our life from and in Christ. And again, it's so easy to say those words, but I mean really find life, power, happiness, joy from my living relationship with the Creator of the universe. Jesus said in John chapter seven, out of your innermost being will flow waters.

Living water will overflow. That's a reality of a dynamic relationship with Christ. So think about what that means for your marriage. Now I come back to my marriage and instead of demanding or longing for my spouse to fill me, I'm filled. I mean, not that I don't want to have a great marriage, but I am filled. I don't need or demand you to fill me up. I am filled by Christ. So I go from being a taker, which most marriages are, I want to take from you what I'm longing for and you're in my life because I chose you to be the one to fill me. No, I'm filled, so now I'm a giver. And so for us as men, and we've been talking to men about being a vertical husband, I'm going to be able to love my wife as Christ loved the church, Ephesians five.

Why? Because he's given me the power to do it. I have power, actually living water, Jesus, overflowing. And it goes from a selfish marriage to a selfless and I want to serve you. Well, the verse that came to my mind was John 10 10 B, where Jesus said, I came that you might have life and have it to the full. He didn't say Dave came that you might have life. And Jesus said, I came, I'm the fulfiller of life. And so I just think that all of us, it could be today, it could be right now that we just take a moment and we say, Lord Jesus, are you Lord of my life?

Have I given you everything? Because if you want to have a great marriage, it begins with a surrendered heart. And I'm going to say this because I know what some listeners are thinking right now. They're thinking if my spouse did that, then we'd be okay. This isn't about your spouse.

I mean, I'd say disregard your spouse. This is about you. Are you surrendered? And if not, I'd say right now, men, get on your knees. Women, get on your knees. If your spouse doesn't, it's not about them. It's about you.

Go vertical, surrender completely. He will meet you in that moment. He will fill you in that moment. And then you'll be able to come back to your marriage and you'll be able to serve and overflow what he's giving you.

And let me just add this. You're going to have to do it about every five minutes or every 10 minutes because you're going to go back to putting yourself in control and you're going to be disappointed because she or he's going to let you down. And you got to go back and say, Jesus, I need you desperately to be the man, to be the woman you've called me to do because I can't, but you can in me. And that happens through surrender. So I hope today is your moment to change your life, your marriage, your legacy, your future by going vertical.

I remember hearing someone say once you can have a state of the art appliance, the newest best air fryer there is. And if it's not plugged in, it doesn't work in the same way we can be good people. But if our lives are not plugged in to God, if we're not living for him, if he's not giving us the power for living, then our lives are not going to count for much. David and Wilson talking here today about how important it is for both husbands and wives to live surrendered, vertical looking lives. In fact, they've written a book called Vertical Marriage. That's really a classic on this subject.

It shows us how our walk with Jesus affects every aspect of our marriage relationship. And we've got copies of Dave and Ann's book in our Family Life Today Resource Center. We'd love to send you a copy. You can order it from us online at familylifetoday.com or call to get your copy.

The number is 1-800-FL-TODAY. Again, the book is titled Vertical Marriage by Dave and Ann Wilson. Order online at familylifetoday.com or call 1-800-358-6329, 1-800-F as in family, L as in life, and then the word today to get your copy of the book Vertical Marriage. What Dave and Ann have talked about today is what's at the heart of this ministry. It's our conviction that for marriage and family to be all that we want it to be, it needs to begin by living surrendered lives for us to live with God's agenda ahead of our own agenda. We need to be men and women who live surrendered lives to God.

Family Life Today exists to effectively develop godly marriages and families. We believe godly marriages and families can change the world, one home at a time. And we're joined in this mission by some of you who have listened for a long time and have said this program has made a difference in our marriage, in my life. You have supported this ministry financially, either from time to time or some of you are monthly legacy partners. Thank you for your ongoing participation with us in this ministry. And those of you who are regular listeners and have never made a donation, we'd like to invite you to join the team.

Help us reach more people more often with practical biblical help and hope for their marriage and their family. When you donate today, we want to say thank you by sending you a book we've talked about this week from Trevin Wax. It's a book called Rethink Yourself, all about understanding the source of our identity, where we find that, how we cultivate that. It's a great book for parents to go through with their teenagers or for a young adult to read. Any of us will benefit from reading Trevin's book, and it's our gift to you when you make a donation to support Family Life Today.

You can do that online at familylifetoday.com or you can call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY. We'd love to have you join the team and we look forward to hearing from you. And we hope you have a great weekend. Hope you and your family are able to worship together in your local church this weekend. And then join us on Monday when Matt and Lisa Jacobson are going to be here again to talk about how we as parents can do a better job of effectively communicating to our children our love for them. That all happens Monday. Hope you can tune in for that. On behalf of our hosts, Dave and Ann Wilson, I'm Bob Lapine. Have a great weekend. We'll see you Monday for another edition of Family Life Today. Family Life Today is a production of Family Life, a crew ministry helping you pursue the relationships that matter most.